Emmett Has Problems

I cannot stand it when Emmett, my dog, starts humping Peyton, my sister's dog. It's like he's humpy crazy. Holy crap - cap the pink lipstick, buddy. We don't use that shade here. It just disturbs me. Maybe because I don't get a thrill out of animals getting it on. Or maybe because it seems incestuous - these dogs are practically cousins.

Well, if humping Pepe isn't enough, Emmett tries to hump our three-legged cat next. That poor bastard doesn't stand a chance. When a thirty-pound cockapoo is matched against an 8-pound cat, well, the cat just ain't getting away without getting humped. I think Emmett is a little nuts - funny since I had him neutered.

Other than his desire to hump his pseudo-cousins - as well as have inter-species sex with the cat - he is one kick butt beast. Actually, he's kind of a jerk to everybody except for members of my family - make that everybody except the female members of my family. Emmett bit my dad on the butt once - well, a couple of times. Emmett can't stand it when my dad tries to dance, so he bites him on the butt. Spontaneous dancing outbursts are more common than you might think. Maybe Emmett is just a snob when it comes to dancing - if you can't be the best, don't even try.

Emmett is rather critical now that I think about it. If you don't have the right dance moves, guard your butt. If you don't sing well, be prepared for him to bark over your cacophony. If he doesn't like what you feed him, he will throw up - and he won't have the decency to throw up on the paper you keep chasing around the apartment with. He purposely tries to throw up off to the side of whatever you are trying to put under him. What the hell?

But, despite his snobbery and aggressive humpiness with pseudo cousins, I love that beast. I do think we need to do a stint on The Dog Whisperer, though. Caesar will surely give me a lecture for not being firm enough and taking the lead. Oh well! I'll worry about that when National Geographic Television calls me